Dear 2014

I remember the time not to long ago, where we laughed and shared it all, we were the very best of friends, or at least that's what I thought. I often wonder why friends end or what happens to sever the tie, how girlfriends so close, just sorta wave you off with a goodbye. I think about what I've been lacking this year, and where things have gone wrong, did I recluse myself, because I was taking care of my family too much and making sure that I provided what I could for them before putting myself forward? I know I haven't been the best of friend, or even the happiest at times, but I think in 2013, I may have been forgotten a lot more than thought of. 

I know that I had a lot of wonderful things happen to me in 2013, I received a niece, my husband started school again, I got to go spend quality time with family in Vermont and in Mexico. I saw my baby boy graduate pre-school and transition into a big kindergartner, I saw my oldest start to develop into a young man, rather than a kid, and my baby, she's just growing too quickly. I have a roof over my head and I have food on my table when I need it to be there. I started a wonderful business, and I hope to see it grow in 2014. But why do I constantly feel like my life is missing something?I don't ever put myself first and I feel that lately, I'm not sure many others put me first either. I've really thought about friendships and relationships, and I'm hoping that things can only go up from here.. because lately, I don't have a best friend I can talk to, I'm often stuck thinking about things in my head and dealing with them on my own. I often confide in my sisters or my parents,  but they have so much on their plates they don't want to listen to my petty problems, but how is it, I've lost so much along the way, that I don't even have that "person", that I can text, call or sit with for hours on end and have them help me feel better about things. I've gone to several surprise birthday parties for my friends (why would anyone think of throwing one for me?!) I know life has it's own agenda, and that just like me, most people do too, but how come I'm so often forgotten about? I go to many parties for my friends kids, and bridal showers, and baby showers, but don't really get the chance to chat about what's going on with me or them.. I don't know if I have ever had that "person.." at least it's been a while.. Where did I get so lost? I've always had low self esteem and my friends have always helped pick up the pieces where I needed them and put me back together, but I'm pretty sure that my friends and my husband couldn't tell me one thing about me right now that I enjoy or what kind of wine I like, or what my favorite band is right now, because no one thinks to ask. No one even asks how are you anymore? I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for facebook, I would be forgotten all together.  Am i selfish to think that?I often sit in my house, with my husband in the same room, and we barely speak for hours on end. We spend most of our nights on our sides of the couch, watching the same old mundane television... We don't go out anymore, I'm not sure he knows how to have fun anymore. His life is school and his game on his phone, and television. Getting him to do anything that requires no technology with the kids is like pulling teeth.. I know we have no money but we barely just have fun for the sake of having fun.. and even when i suggest things that don't cost money, it's too much effort and time for us.  I'm tired of waking up every day wondering if things will get better with life, friendships and relationships.  I don't want to spend 2014 wondering WHAT if, all the time. I don't want to spend 2014 wondering who I am, or why I wasn't invited to something. Even if i can't make it, it would still be nice to be thought of at times.. Maybe i would do more if I was asked more, the guilt alone would kill me and I would enjoy myself when I got out.. 

I feel like I'm trapped in my own little chaotic bubble of my messy house and my family. Cook, clean, go to gymnastics, dance, photograph some happy families, go home, go to sleep, watch the baby, go to pto meetings.. put my life on hold for everyone else.. and do it all over again.. I try to put myself forward and I can't. The minute i leave the house my phone is ringing, my vacation time is spent at the grocery store or pto meetings.. such is the life of a mom, especially a damn good one, but when did I let this boring life control me and make me feel so lost... 

I want to be healthy not in just body but mind. I wan't to feel like I'm wanted and needed and that I'm making a difference in other peoples lives and being a role model, and feeling good, and happy and not having people wonder why I'm so sad all the time.. you wonder why I am sad, I wonder why I'm lost!

 So I ask myself.. what am i doing this for, who am I doing this for? My life is my family, my business and Facebook. When did I become the life of the boring party? How can I change this? Who have I become.. Dear 2014.. I hope you have some answers for me..