Welp. I'm down about 16 lbs. since I started.. However. I don't feel much different.. I know its a long and slow process and that 16 lbs. is a great accomplishment, but for some reason last week when I gained 4lbs and this week when I got back on the scale and saw that I had lost another 2 it didn't feel like enough to me. I've tried to get a few walks in this week.. and those definitely help and I know its not about the number but how I feel.. so why do I feel so blue about it then... I feel blah about life again.. I was feeling so good, I was losing weight and exercising.. and now.. I'm under motivated and want to eat all the chocolate and chips and everything in between.. and I'm also feeling under motivated to cook, so we've eaten tons of take out, which we don't have money for, nor does it make me feel any better...
I've also been having a lot of emotional issues with feeling lost. Hubs seems to be paying more attention to me lately.. but for some reason it feel forced to me, and I know its all in my head.. and I should appreciate it.. but I just don't feel attractive to him and feel like its just whatever.. I've also been having a lot of issues with friends, maintaining and feeling like I belong with them... My friends all talk like at least once a week.. and I'm on the outside of the group feeling like they don't need me anymore.. I couldn't tell you anything that goes on in their lives, and they don't seem to care what goes on in mine...I even have a friend that is trying to start up a cake decorating business when she knows that's what I've been pushing for, for a bit.. so where's the support in that... it goes back to that really.. support. I never really lost touch with them, or at least I didn't try too.. and I know i'm absolutely insanely busy, especially since last week was pre-school graduation, this week, hubs birthday, we have a wedding next weekend we are baking 100 cupcakes for, plus whatever else in between, oh yah and last week I had strep, plus the kids had 4 doctors appointments and I gained a new niece last week too.. so my entire weekend last weekend was spent oohing and awing and feeling baby fever harsh...
Hubs has been out of work for the last few weeks and I have 3 more weeks of him home too.. he hurt his back and is miserable... I should enjoy the time with him.. but.. I need some space I guess too...
So why do I feel so blue. Things are good.. but I'm just blah. I do have to say when I'm walking and in the zone it feels nice to get lost in my head and music and just keep pushing... and feel motivated.. blargh..
Friday, June 14, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Good Shoes = Good Support
Recently I bought new shoes, and started walking, those shoes gave me one of the worst blisters I've ever had, and over and over again that blister popped while wearing those shoes, I thought it was a fluke and that the shoes needed to be "worn in" but overall I came to conclusion that wearing my old trustee shoes are better than having a broken toe (because that is what it feels like) and a blister that continues to pop over and over again, even being bandaged. I bought new shoes because I thought I needed better support and that it would motivate me to get where I want to go. However, my old shoes, felt just as good support wise and that to me means that sometimes it's not the fit or the size but how good you feel in them. It's funny because recently I've compared my life to good shoes = good support.
I told my parent's and put it out on Facebook that I was trying to exercise and (lose weight) to be healthy (well more so the exercise on Facebook than the diet part) , everyone that I've told has been extremely supportive, especially since I am currently down 8.5 lbs since I started this journey, but the hardest part is not my supporters, but myself. I need to be supportive of myself. It's one of the toughest parts to NOT give up. I've recently come to understand that dieting to "obese" people is much different than those who have never really had to work at being healthy or thin. Losing 10 to even 30 lbs is completely different than losing over a 100lbs, especially to someone who has been obese their entire life. My husband has been thin his entire life and is probably at his highest, (although family has noted it's probably because I feed him). He is trying hard to be supportive, but sometimes he doesn't understand that "healthy" and "eating healthy" are two different things. He doesn't understand how "hard" it is to build up an exercise routine after being injured the way I have. He wants to be supportive but unfortunately some of his help has actually fueled me to push harder, because to him it comes "easy" but to me I know its not an easy journey, but it also makes me sad because I have to explain things or I feel like I take it out on him because I can't have that extra serving of food he just made or because I REALLY want that DQ ice cream and he got me the medium instead of the kids size, etc.. .
My emotions have been crazy lately. I've been hurt by friends (feeling like I didn't belong in my group of friends anymore, really put me over the edge and kinda put my emotions back into a grey area..) and felt defeated more than once in this journey, already in 3 weeks. I've had to give up just eating my meals and not really thinking about what's going into my mouth and what's not.
I've been doing well with my "calorie" intake and have been walking 2-3 times a week, however, the squat challenge, defeated me, because I am to weak to start something like that right off the bat. I will try again soon, when I feel my muscles have strengthened, but It's extremely hard to jump right in.
I'm irritated and happy all at the same time. After a fight the other day, I used that energy to walk. I pushed myself to walk 3 miles instead of 2. It felt awesome and hurt all in the same. So like my shoes, support is necessary, because without it I won't get anywhere, but like my shoes, sometimes comfortable is harder to break then uncomfortable. Tonight will be the first time I'm going out to a bar since I've started this journey. what this means is alcohol = calories, not that I'm a big drinker, but I want to go and be social, so at dinner, I felt defeated, because my husband made a very nice "breakfast" for dinner, and I had to cut his portion he gave me in half, and go to the kitchen and make a different kind of toast, because I wanted to have a good time tonight without feeling overly guilty and I'm already praying to mother nature to give me a good hour to get a walk in in the morning so I can work those calories off already. Does this make me determined, motivated or obsessed?
I told my parent's and put it out on Facebook that I was trying to exercise and (lose weight) to be healthy (well more so the exercise on Facebook than the diet part) , everyone that I've told has been extremely supportive, especially since I am currently down 8.5 lbs since I started this journey, but the hardest part is not my supporters, but myself. I need to be supportive of myself. It's one of the toughest parts to NOT give up. I've recently come to understand that dieting to "obese" people is much different than those who have never really had to work at being healthy or thin. Losing 10 to even 30 lbs is completely different than losing over a 100lbs, especially to someone who has been obese their entire life. My husband has been thin his entire life and is probably at his highest, (although family has noted it's probably because I feed him). He is trying hard to be supportive, but sometimes he doesn't understand that "healthy" and "eating healthy" are two different things. He doesn't understand how "hard" it is to build up an exercise routine after being injured the way I have. He wants to be supportive but unfortunately some of his help has actually fueled me to push harder, because to him it comes "easy" but to me I know its not an easy journey, but it also makes me sad because I have to explain things or I feel like I take it out on him because I can't have that extra serving of food he just made or because I REALLY want that DQ ice cream and he got me the medium instead of the kids size, etc.. .
My emotions have been crazy lately. I've been hurt by friends (feeling like I didn't belong in my group of friends anymore, really put me over the edge and kinda put my emotions back into a grey area..) and felt defeated more than once in this journey, already in 3 weeks. I've had to give up just eating my meals and not really thinking about what's going into my mouth and what's not.
I've been doing well with my "calorie" intake and have been walking 2-3 times a week, however, the squat challenge, defeated me, because I am to weak to start something like that right off the bat. I will try again soon, when I feel my muscles have strengthened, but It's extremely hard to jump right in.
I'm irritated and happy all at the same time. After a fight the other day, I used that energy to walk. I pushed myself to walk 3 miles instead of 2. It felt awesome and hurt all in the same. So like my shoes, support is necessary, because without it I won't get anywhere, but like my shoes, sometimes comfortable is harder to break then uncomfortable. Tonight will be the first time I'm going out to a bar since I've started this journey. what this means is alcohol = calories, not that I'm a big drinker, but I want to go and be social, so at dinner, I felt defeated, because my husband made a very nice "breakfast" for dinner, and I had to cut his portion he gave me in half, and go to the kitchen and make a different kind of toast, because I wanted to have a good time tonight without feeling overly guilty and I'm already praying to mother nature to give me a good hour to get a walk in in the morning so I can work those calories off already. Does this make me determined, motivated or obsessed?
Monday, May 13, 2013
Week 2: Beacause today is a another chance to get it RIGHT!
It's been a week of my journey. Its had its ups and downs. Towards the end of last week I was really emotional. Having ups and downs about whether I could do this, about my relationship in general with my husband and how I can handle doing everything and still stay "sane", but when I had my doubts, I looked in the mirror and said, remember you are doing this for you, no one else but you. It seemed to help. I made it thru mothers day and 2- 4 yr olds birthday parties, and Carnival Food and still met my calorie goals fine according to the My Fitness Pal Ap. That in itself is an accomplishment to me. Even though I didn't technically "calorie" count yesterday (Mothers Day), I put the food in just to see how far I'd gone from my goal yesterday, and I was surprised to know that I still had calories to use up, even eating the coconut cream pie! This week I'm going to focus on my food choices a little more. I've had to many nights of DQ. I love to cook so I'm hoping some recipes will motivate me for some different food choices. I love salad and don't mind eating it, but as a meal it becomes a little "hard to swallow" lol for lack of a better term I guess. I'm starting to get into the water challenge a bit. I've already had 40 oz. this morning. A week ago that was unheard of. I only need 8 more oz. to meet "goal" for the day and I'm pretty sure I'll be well over that. I also started that 30 day squat challenge. I'm not sure how its going to be. I've done 30 squats so far for the day- first day is 50. I can barely walk up and down the stairs already. I'm doing modified squats- Wall squats, only because of the herniated discs in my back and already injured legs until I can build up some more strength in my overall body. I looked up how to measure my body today on pinterest. I was unsure, now I just need to find the tape measurer. I did weigh myself last Tuesday. 278 lbs. I will weigh myself again tomorrow, just to see if there is any progress, but need to remind myself, its not about the number.
I also hope to get a few more days of walking or cardio in this week. I should really set the Wii fit back up. I enjoy it. but some how its become the kids Wii and now I lack the motivation to use it. I have tons of fitness games and even if I just get 15 minutes in, its still better than nothing.
I have to remember its not just about my "fitness journey" but my overall well being. I need to find ways to deal with anger management and stress and overall sadness. I read an article last week about how sometimes taking that anger out in working out really helps keep you motivated. Maybe I'll try it. Maybe when the weather gets a bit better, I can start doing some laps in the water. I wish I could enjoy the kayaks because it would be a great upper body workout, but unfortunately fear of boats and legs that lock up and a back that doesn't like to be in that position don't allow for it.
The nice weather is coming and something that really has bothered me over the last few years is that I don't feel comfortable being on the back of the hubbys motorcycle. I feel like I'm too large for it and for good reason have a fear of the bike, but want to ride with him so desperately, but despite pain and fear I can't and it makes me sad, because I'm feeling like I'm missing out on "us" time on it with him, especially when other people (girls) ride with him. Lately, because of a dislocated shoulder and collar bone he hasn't been riding it as much, which puts me at ease, but I know once the weather gets better, he will be out there riding, and I'll be following along side in the car with the 3 kids in tow.
We booked a summer vacation to a place with 8 heated pools and mountains for the week of July 28th. Its a little over 2 months from now. I'm hoping by then to have lost some weight and to feel healthier, so that I can enjoy the resort instead of using the excuse that I'll stay back with the kids and he can go have some fun. Things to motivate me I suppose.
I bought new sneakers and workout clothes last week too. Nothing fancy, but something else to motivate me. New clothes might make me feel better about how I look when I'm working out. Silly how your brain feels that way sometimes. I know most of the time no one is watching, but you feel like everyone is, so at least if you feel like you "look: the part then maybe you won't feel so self conscious about doing it. Hope it helps. I desperately needed new sneakers anyways, and I can always use comfy capris and tanks.
Off to pick up the munchkins from school and hopefully get a walk in with them, I'd love to wait til later but I'm not sure when the hubs will be home from work as he's at a different job site today and its 2.5 hours away, should have gone this morning, but its chilly out today *and I started the squats* so maybe it will be a bit warmer when they get out. Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Day 2: Choices, Temper Tantrums and Time Management.. Especially on Tuesdays.
For some reason Tuesdays and I have this odd relationship.. It's a bit of a love/hate relationship.. Usually Tuesdays aren't overall a bad day.. but for some reason they always seem to end up starting out more like a Monday.. I'm a stay at home mom, so it's not like I have to "go to work" on a Monday, but for me Monday's are the beginning of the week madness of remembering everything I am supposed to do for the week, where the homework was/went/goes, do you have your snacks, did you brush your teeth, when was that last bath you had, all around 6 am, if the kids didn't decide that 5:48 was a better time to get up. 12 minutes makes a huge difference in my mood when it comes to sleep, but as I was saying, my Mondays and Tuesdays, are usually insane when it comes to the kids morning schedules and routines. For that reason I NEVER eat breakfast when they are. So that is something I've tried the last few days. To eat breakfast while they are getting ready, therefore, if I end up at the grocery store after bringing them to school, well I'm not starving and buying the "wrong" foods because they are on sale and look delicious or waiting until almost 11 AM and I'm so hungry I eat a ton of nothing.
I was exhausted this morning, probably because I am always exhausted, but, more because I slept like crap, the monster ended up on the couch and all the children were up around 5:48.. and then asking me for breakfast, and whining in my ears.. I was not happy. My mood started off HORRIBLE today, but I'm trying really hard to not yell at the kids in the mornings, or in general, and talk to them like normal people, as adults we don't like to be yelled at so I am sure they don't like to be yelled at either..
We got out the door on time for school and then I got a medium iced coffee with cream 1 sugar. I'm so used to my large turbo boost coffees that these just seem so tiny. But I'm trying replace the other half of that coffee I would be drinking with water. I did get my 16 oz of water in for the day. It almost was a struggle though..
When I got home from dropping all the monsters off I did some laundry, and some light cleaning..all while on the phone with my mom. and then I sat down to check my email.. and didn't get up til around 2 hours later.. I decided I was going to get the kids teachers flowers for teacher appreciation day, my mood was just bummy today, I thought maybe if I did something nice for other people than maybe my mood would improve. I came back. and I caved and let the kids sit and watch TV/play video games- (the monster still wasn't feeling overly better from being sick) - I told myself only an hour of "them" time.. and then we would get outside... 2 more hours and after an email from my sister saying she would meet me to go to the track, I finally got motivation, found my sneakers and got the kids outside for a few minutes before she showed up. We FINALLY get the kids in the car to head up to the track, scooters, a game of whether or not my oldest would stay home and do his homework or come... We do a lap, feels good, the kids are a bit obnoxious but they aren't slowing our pace too much. We get thru the lap and my monster decided she needed her scooter but she was not going to use it unless I pulled her. I couldn't walk and pull her. We sat there for a good 15 minutes (15 minutes of which I could have been using for me time) arguing with a tired 3 almost 4 year old... When finally her brother said she could use his scooter, and all was well in the world. We finally got to do another few laps... but by then we were tired, hot, and cranky, and daddy had called to see if we were going to meet him at Moe's for dinner. I already had this notion in my head that we were going to go there for dinner anyways, so I checked the website for nutrition information... I stressed looking for things that I would enjoy at Moe's.. only because I had already eaten a fair amount of calories for the day-- all healthy items but not enough to make me feel like I could justify it. I was dealing with a tired 4 yr. old, a tired momma and didn't want to cook though. So we got home, found out the 99 kids could eat free because the Red Sox won yesterday. Thank you Boston..
We go and I can't decide what I want.. and they immediately put the popcorn down. I start munching like I normally would, and started to feel a little guilty. I order water with Lemon and try to decide if I want to risk calories on a mixed beverage, because after all the day I had was kind of annoying... nope, Ooh Mango Iced Tea, that works.. I find an amazing salad with black beans and chicken and corn and a spicy sauce.. and its only 570 calories.. and then the oldest tells the waitress its my daughters birthday.. (in a few days).. She gets a free dessert... and I know im going to want some... thankfully not much comes between cake and an almost 4 yr. old... except she didn't feel well and felt like sharing.. so I ate some.. but not all of it.. I felt good with my choices at the restaurant, and for the day, I didn't get to many laps in at the track, but I still got them in..
We get home, kids are finally asleep and I'm sitting down to write this.. and I'm starting to get hungry again... this time of night is the worst for me.. because I'm finally zoning back into relax mode (even though I haven't done much for today) and I'm in pain from the day. I'm debating looking at my calories, should I have something else or will the cravings go away..
Choices are hard to change.. When your used to something and your given a choice between this and that.. sometimes its easier to choose this over that.. Not every day is going to be as easy as todays choices but I'm happy with the ones I did make. As for temper tantrums, I wanted to throw a few myself and I don't blame her for being tired and crabby, especially for not feeling well.. but as for time management... I really should decide if its easier without the kids to actually get more than 3 laps in at the track that it might be a lot easier to do in the morning while they are at school.. but.. do I grocery shop, run errands and clean during that time too. and then when I get home with them how do I fit it all in. As a mom, I know it isn't easy and that I really need to find "ME" time that works. Its all about trial and error, and I'm hoping that I will find something that works sooner than later.. but slow and steady still. but then again.. it's only day 2.
I was exhausted this morning, probably because I am always exhausted, but, more because I slept like crap, the monster ended up on the couch and all the children were up around 5:48.. and then asking me for breakfast, and whining in my ears.. I was not happy. My mood started off HORRIBLE today, but I'm trying really hard to not yell at the kids in the mornings, or in general, and talk to them like normal people, as adults we don't like to be yelled at so I am sure they don't like to be yelled at either..
We got out the door on time for school and then I got a medium iced coffee with cream 1 sugar. I'm so used to my large turbo boost coffees that these just seem so tiny. But I'm trying replace the other half of that coffee I would be drinking with water. I did get my 16 oz of water in for the day. It almost was a struggle though..
When I got home from dropping all the monsters off I did some laundry, and some light cleaning..all while on the phone with my mom. and then I sat down to check my email.. and didn't get up til around 2 hours later.. I decided I was going to get the kids teachers flowers for teacher appreciation day, my mood was just bummy today, I thought maybe if I did something nice for other people than maybe my mood would improve. I came back. and I caved and let the kids sit and watch TV/play video games- (the monster still wasn't feeling overly better from being sick) - I told myself only an hour of "them" time.. and then we would get outside... 2 more hours and after an email from my sister saying she would meet me to go to the track, I finally got motivation, found my sneakers and got the kids outside for a few minutes before she showed up. We FINALLY get the kids in the car to head up to the track, scooters, a game of whether or not my oldest would stay home and do his homework or come... We do a lap, feels good, the kids are a bit obnoxious but they aren't slowing our pace too much. We get thru the lap and my monster decided she needed her scooter but she was not going to use it unless I pulled her. I couldn't walk and pull her. We sat there for a good 15 minutes (15 minutes of which I could have been using for me time) arguing with a tired 3 almost 4 year old... When finally her brother said she could use his scooter, and all was well in the world. We finally got to do another few laps... but by then we were tired, hot, and cranky, and daddy had called to see if we were going to meet him at Moe's for dinner. I already had this notion in my head that we were going to go there for dinner anyways, so I checked the website for nutrition information... I stressed looking for things that I would enjoy at Moe's.. only because I had already eaten a fair amount of calories for the day-- all healthy items but not enough to make me feel like I could justify it. I was dealing with a tired 4 yr. old, a tired momma and didn't want to cook though. So we got home, found out the 99 kids could eat free because the Red Sox won yesterday. Thank you Boston..
We go and I can't decide what I want.. and they immediately put the popcorn down. I start munching like I normally would, and started to feel a little guilty. I order water with Lemon and try to decide if I want to risk calories on a mixed beverage, because after all the day I had was kind of annoying... nope, Ooh Mango Iced Tea, that works.. I find an amazing salad with black beans and chicken and corn and a spicy sauce.. and its only 570 calories.. and then the oldest tells the waitress its my daughters birthday.. (in a few days).. She gets a free dessert... and I know im going to want some... thankfully not much comes between cake and an almost 4 yr. old... except she didn't feel well and felt like sharing.. so I ate some.. but not all of it.. I felt good with my choices at the restaurant, and for the day, I didn't get to many laps in at the track, but I still got them in..
We get home, kids are finally asleep and I'm sitting down to write this.. and I'm starting to get hungry again... this time of night is the worst for me.. because I'm finally zoning back into relax mode (even though I haven't done much for today) and I'm in pain from the day. I'm debating looking at my calories, should I have something else or will the cravings go away..
Choices are hard to change.. When your used to something and your given a choice between this and that.. sometimes its easier to choose this over that.. Not every day is going to be as easy as todays choices but I'm happy with the ones I did make. As for temper tantrums, I wanted to throw a few myself and I don't blame her for being tired and crabby, especially for not feeling well.. but as for time management... I really should decide if its easier without the kids to actually get more than 3 laps in at the track that it might be a lot easier to do in the morning while they are at school.. but.. do I grocery shop, run errands and clean during that time too. and then when I get home with them how do I fit it all in. As a mom, I know it isn't easy and that I really need to find "ME" time that works. Its all about trial and error, and I'm hoping that I will find something that works sooner than later.. but slow and steady still. but then again.. it's only day 2.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Day 1. Learning to forgive the past and open my eyes to the future
Whelp. Here I go again. Diet day 1. But I'm treating it more than a diet. I'm treating it as a health journey. The fact that I need to lose weight is an understatement, but the fact that I need to be healthy, is even more on my mind. Now, my cholesterol, my blood pressure, my normal every day health, is fine, but my body, my aches and pains, my mental health, my overall well being, is not.
I've been thinking about embarking on this journey for a very long time. Things always get in the way. The kids, the house, the bills, life. This time I'm not going to allow that to happen. Over the years I've had a lot of injuries, both mentally and physically. I can't seem to wrap my head around the last time I actually felt healthy, with the exception of my pregnancies, which I felt great thru, but most likely because I could be "fat" and no one would overly judge me on that.
Over the last few years I've had some really embarrassing moments being overweight. Some of those moments are "getting stuck" in clothes while trying them on, and fearing I might not get them off without ripping them and then wondering if I'm now going to have to pay for it because I ripped it. On my first trip to Mexico, I lost my luggage, and only packed an extra pair of underwear in my carry on.. Being overweight and losing your luggage in a foreign country, well, needless to say, I wore the same clothes for 3 days until my luggage arrived, seeing as I knew I couldn't borrow any clothes from the other family that were there, and there was no way of knowing if I could even find anything that would fit me around the house, and I didn't want to have to spend money on it either... On my last flight to Mexico, I was asked by the stewardess if I needed the seatbelt extension piece.. I refused, and sat uncomfortable for a 5 hour flight because there was no way I needed that extra piece. Again, on this same trip, (granted I had just had surgery on my stomach to have a cyst removed, and was still swollen and puffy) but I hated everything I wore, I felt uncomfortable and undesirable, as I watched these girls strut their stuff in their bikinis, and women too, and I was in my maternity bathing suit, wishing, hoping no one was making fun of me in my two piece maternity (not being pregnant)tank-ini and big ass puffing out the sides.. I think that trip really made me realize how much I wanted to be healthy, because on another part of that trip, we went snorkeling, and because I'm so out of shape I could barely make it off the reef to see the amazing things that were going on, merely because I do not have the strength. I remember being 9 years old and in 3rd grade and having a friend ask how much I weighed and thinking nothing of it, and saying, I weigh 100 lbs.. in 3rd grade.. and then them going around and spreading it all over the playground and everyone was laughing. I remember being in 6th grade and having pants that did not fit me, and my dad having to drive me to this new store called "Wal-Mart" lol and buying me 3 pairs of size 18 pants.. in 6th grade.. When I found a wedding dress for free, I was thrilled because it just about fit me and had it altered, and it still barely fit me, I lost 85 % of the buttons of my dress on my wedding day, again, because I was SQUEEZED into it. thank goodness it had a zipper too.. these are all memories that hurt me day in and day out. Now, one of the biggest, most hurtful days of my life was when I found out my husband was talking to other women ( I still to this day don't know if anything happened, nor do I want to know it's in the past and we've come to a better place now.) . But after I found out I asked him.. why? and one of his major excuses for this behavior was because I was SAD and HAD LET MYSELF GO after my pregnancies and that I wouldn't be happy about who I was or who I am and see that I was beautiful and it was a huge turn off.. Lately, I find myself looking back to that day, and feeling even worse than I did then, because emotionally I'm drained and physically tired of trying to feel beautiful, when I really don't 6.5 days out of 7.
I would love to jump in cold turkey and just be healthy in a week, but I know that its not going to be that easy. I know that it is going to take an intense amount of work and effort to get to the place that I want to be. It's not just about weight, it's about everything in my life. As most of you know I was in a horrible car accident which changed my life forever. I have daily pain and yearly surgeries to deal with that day. It's not easy for me to just get off the computer and play with the kids. It's not easy for me to want to clean the house or to even do most of the work in the house. Going up and down stairs is painful and bending up and down is painful. Everything is painful. I know that with time my body has shut down and made me weak all over. I need to strengthen my body, mind and soul. I'm starting slow and hoping to take this journey with me for a very long time. I'm not doing it so I can look good in a bathing suit or so that I can run my first 5k ever, but those would be perks. I am doing it so that each day I can be a role model for my children and for myself. I am doing it so that I can be happy and healthy and so people can look at me and say wow, she has it together, she has so much energy, instead of why is she so sad all the time and does she ever get off the computer. I'm changing one thing about myself daily and if this journey takes 5 years than so be it. I would love to take the magic pill and be 100lbs lighter and be healthy and happy tomorrow, but I know it's not going to be easy and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Today I've started a 21 day water challenge. Today I will be drinking 16 oz. of water, something I Never do, its usually an iced coffee and some seltzer with juice or soda (which I've also given up again). Today, I will also take my kids to the playground and walk the track. Whether I get two laps in or 12, I'm out there doing something and trying..
I'm starting this blog as a personal story, but also as a support system. If I've told you about it, know that it's because I trust you and hope that you will help support me in my journey. If you have advice please offer it up. I've started with the my fitness pal ap on my phone today. I have not weighed myself, as I am too embarrassed to know that that is the most I've ever been in my entire life. I may try and weigh myself and measure myself by the end of this week, but I don't want it to be about the number but about feeling healthy, about being able to do things and to be happy. I may need reminders, I may need a nudge. I may blog on here several times a day, I may only do it once a week. I just hope that I can continue to feel good and know that I have support to get thru this without mentally feeling overwhelmed and giving up, per usual.
I've been thinking about embarking on this journey for a very long time. Things always get in the way. The kids, the house, the bills, life. This time I'm not going to allow that to happen. Over the years I've had a lot of injuries, both mentally and physically. I can't seem to wrap my head around the last time I actually felt healthy, with the exception of my pregnancies, which I felt great thru, but most likely because I could be "fat" and no one would overly judge me on that.
Over the last few years I've had some really embarrassing moments being overweight. Some of those moments are "getting stuck" in clothes while trying them on, and fearing I might not get them off without ripping them and then wondering if I'm now going to have to pay for it because I ripped it. On my first trip to Mexico, I lost my luggage, and only packed an extra pair of underwear in my carry on.. Being overweight and losing your luggage in a foreign country, well, needless to say, I wore the same clothes for 3 days until my luggage arrived, seeing as I knew I couldn't borrow any clothes from the other family that were there, and there was no way of knowing if I could even find anything that would fit me around the house, and I didn't want to have to spend money on it either... On my last flight to Mexico, I was asked by the stewardess if I needed the seatbelt extension piece.. I refused, and sat uncomfortable for a 5 hour flight because there was no way I needed that extra piece. Again, on this same trip, (granted I had just had surgery on my stomach to have a cyst removed, and was still swollen and puffy) but I hated everything I wore, I felt uncomfortable and undesirable, as I watched these girls strut their stuff in their bikinis, and women too, and I was in my maternity bathing suit, wishing, hoping no one was making fun of me in my two piece maternity (not being pregnant)tank-ini and big ass puffing out the sides.. I think that trip really made me realize how much I wanted to be healthy, because on another part of that trip, we went snorkeling, and because I'm so out of shape I could barely make it off the reef to see the amazing things that were going on, merely because I do not have the strength. I remember being 9 years old and in 3rd grade and having a friend ask how much I weighed and thinking nothing of it, and saying, I weigh 100 lbs.. in 3rd grade.. and then them going around and spreading it all over the playground and everyone was laughing. I remember being in 6th grade and having pants that did not fit me, and my dad having to drive me to this new store called "Wal-Mart" lol and buying me 3 pairs of size 18 pants.. in 6th grade.. When I found a wedding dress for free, I was thrilled because it just about fit me and had it altered, and it still barely fit me, I lost 85 % of the buttons of my dress on my wedding day, again, because I was SQUEEZED into it. thank goodness it had a zipper too.. these are all memories that hurt me day in and day out. Now, one of the biggest, most hurtful days of my life was when I found out my husband was talking to other women ( I still to this day don't know if anything happened, nor do I want to know it's in the past and we've come to a better place now.) . But after I found out I asked him.. why? and one of his major excuses for this behavior was because I was SAD and HAD LET MYSELF GO after my pregnancies and that I wouldn't be happy about who I was or who I am and see that I was beautiful and it was a huge turn off.. Lately, I find myself looking back to that day, and feeling even worse than I did then, because emotionally I'm drained and physically tired of trying to feel beautiful, when I really don't 6.5 days out of 7.
I would love to jump in cold turkey and just be healthy in a week, but I know that its not going to be that easy. I know that it is going to take an intense amount of work and effort to get to the place that I want to be. It's not just about weight, it's about everything in my life. As most of you know I was in a horrible car accident which changed my life forever. I have daily pain and yearly surgeries to deal with that day. It's not easy for me to just get off the computer and play with the kids. It's not easy for me to want to clean the house or to even do most of the work in the house. Going up and down stairs is painful and bending up and down is painful. Everything is painful. I know that with time my body has shut down and made me weak all over. I need to strengthen my body, mind and soul. I'm starting slow and hoping to take this journey with me for a very long time. I'm not doing it so I can look good in a bathing suit or so that I can run my first 5k ever, but those would be perks. I am doing it so that each day I can be a role model for my children and for myself. I am doing it so that I can be happy and healthy and so people can look at me and say wow, she has it together, she has so much energy, instead of why is she so sad all the time and does she ever get off the computer. I'm changing one thing about myself daily and if this journey takes 5 years than so be it. I would love to take the magic pill and be 100lbs lighter and be healthy and happy tomorrow, but I know it's not going to be easy and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Today I've started a 21 day water challenge. Today I will be drinking 16 oz. of water, something I Never do, its usually an iced coffee and some seltzer with juice or soda (which I've also given up again). Today, I will also take my kids to the playground and walk the track. Whether I get two laps in or 12, I'm out there doing something and trying..I'm starting this blog as a personal story, but also as a support system. If I've told you about it, know that it's because I trust you and hope that you will help support me in my journey. If you have advice please offer it up. I've started with the my fitness pal ap on my phone today. I have not weighed myself, as I am too embarrassed to know that that is the most I've ever been in my entire life. I may try and weigh myself and measure myself by the end of this week, but I don't want it to be about the number but about feeling healthy, about being able to do things and to be happy. I may need reminders, I may need a nudge. I may blog on here several times a day, I may only do it once a week. I just hope that I can continue to feel good and know that I have support to get thru this without mentally feeling overwhelmed and giving up, per usual.
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