Day 1. Learning to forgive the past and open my eyes to the future

Whelp. Here I go again. Diet day 1. But I'm treating it more than a diet. I'm treating it as a health journey. The fact that I need to lose weight is an understatement, but the fact that I need to be healthy, is even more on my mind. Now, my cholesterol, my blood pressure, my normal every day health, is fine, but my body, my aches and pains, my  mental health, my overall well being, is not. 

I've been thinking about embarking on this journey for a very long time. Things always get in the way. The kids, the house, the bills, life. This time I'm not going to allow that to happen.  Over the years I've had a lot of injuries, both mentally and physically. I can't seem to wrap my head around the last time I actually felt healthy, with the exception of my pregnancies, which I felt great thru, but most likely because I could be "fat" and no one would overly judge me on that.

Over the last few years I've had some really embarrassing moments being overweight. Some of those moments are "getting stuck" in clothes while trying them on, and fearing I might not get them off without ripping them and then wondering if I'm now going to have to pay for it because I ripped it. On my first trip to Mexico, I lost my luggage, and only packed an extra pair of underwear in my carry on.. Being overweight and losing your luggage in a foreign country, well, needless to say, I wore the same clothes for 3 days until my luggage arrived, seeing as I knew I couldn't borrow any clothes from the other family that were there, and there was no way of knowing if I could even find anything that would fit me around the house, and I didn't want to have to spend money on it either... On my last flight to Mexico, I was asked by the stewardess if I needed the seatbelt extension piece.. I refused, and sat uncomfortable for a 5 hour flight because there was no way I needed that extra piece. Again, on this same trip, (granted I had just had surgery on my stomach to have a cyst removed, and was still swollen and puffy) but I hated everything I wore, I felt uncomfortable and undesirable, as I watched these girls strut their stuff in their bikinis, and women too, and I was in my maternity bathing suit, wishing, hoping no one was making fun of me in my two piece maternity (not being pregnant)tank-ini and big ass puffing out the sides..  I think that trip really made me realize how much I wanted to be healthy, because on another part of that trip, we went snorkeling, and because I'm so out of shape I could barely make it off the reef to see the amazing things that were going on, merely because I do not have the strength.  I remember being 9 years old and in 3rd grade and having a friend ask how much I weighed and thinking nothing of it, and saying, I weigh 100 lbs.. in 3rd grade..  and then them going around and spreading it all over the playground and everyone was laughing. I remember being in 6th grade and having pants that did not fit me, and my dad having to drive me to this new store called "Wal-Mart" lol and buying me 3 pairs of size 18 pants.. in 6th grade..  When I found a wedding dress for free,  I was thrilled because it just about fit me and had it altered, and it still barely fit me, I lost 85 % of the buttons of my dress on my wedding day, again, because I was SQUEEZED into it. thank goodness it had a zipper too.. these are all memories that hurt me day in and day out. Now, one of the biggest, most hurtful days of my life was when I found out my husband was talking to other women ( I still to this day don't know if anything happened, nor do I want to know it's in the past and we've come to a better place now.) . But after I found out I asked him.. why? and one of his major excuses for this behavior was because I was SAD and HAD LET MYSELF GO after my pregnancies and that I wouldn't be happy about who I was or who I am and see that I was beautiful and it was a huge turn off..  Lately, I find myself looking back to that day, and feeling even worse than I did then, because emotionally I'm drained and physically tired of trying to feel beautiful, when I really don't 6.5 days out of 7.

I would love to jump in cold turkey and just be healthy in a week, but I know that its not going to be that easy. I know that it is going to take an intense amount of work and effort to get to the place that  I want to be. It's not just about weight, it's about everything in my life. As most of you know I was in a horrible car accident which changed my life forever. I have daily pain and yearly surgeries to deal with that day.  It's not easy for me to just get off the computer and play with the kids. It's not easy for me to want to clean the house or to even do most of the work in the house. Going up and down stairs is painful and bending up and down is painful. Everything is painful. I know that with time my body has shut down and made me weak all over. I need to strengthen my body, mind and soul. I'm starting slow and hoping to take this journey with me for a very long time. I'm not doing it so I can look good in a bathing suit or so that I can run my first 5k ever, but those would be perks. I am doing it so that each day I can be a role model for my children and for myself. I am doing it so that I can be happy and healthy and so people can look at me and say wow, she has it together, she has so much energy, instead of why is she so sad all the time and does she ever get off the computer.  I'm changing one thing about myself daily and if this journey takes 5 years than so be it. I would love to take the magic pill and be 100lbs lighter and be healthy and happy tomorrow, but I know it's not going to be easy and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Today I've started a 21 day water challenge. Today I will be drinking 16 oz. of water, something I Never do, its usually an iced coffee and some seltzer with juice or soda (which I've also given up again).  Today, I will also take my kids to the playground and walk the track. Whether I get two laps in or 12, I'm out there doing something and trying..

I'm starting this blog as a personal story, but also as a support system. If I've told you about it, know that it's because I trust you and hope that you will help support me in my journey. If you have advice please offer it up. I've started with the my fitness pal ap on my phone today. I have not weighed myself, as I am too embarrassed to know that that is the most I've ever been in my entire life. I may try and weigh myself and measure myself by the end of this week, but I don't want it to be about the number but about feeling healthy, about being able to do things and to be happy. I may need reminders, I may need a nudge. I may blog on here several times a day, I may only do it once a week. I just hope that I can continue to feel good and know that I have support to get thru this without mentally feeling overwhelmed and giving up, per usual.